Apologies and Speaking Up

There are many things to say, and I have said many of them elsewhere.
In brief, this post is my public retraction of defenses I have made for my former partner, Wesley Fenza.
There are certainly personal, private apologies to be made, and I will admit my wrongs when and where I can.
I do not have all the pages to every story, I still do not understand, or agree with every statement made, but time has opened my eyes and my mind.
I will no longer defend the actions, character, integrity, or reputation of Wesley Fenza. I have had several conversations with friends and acquaintances on this subject, I have posted to some degree on Facebook. There is much more to be said and done to resolve my wrongdoings in events that transpired.
I do apologize that this post is attached to the heels of the Jeff Mach accusations and (hopefully) their resolution. But as Wesley Fenza was the legal representative for the Silver Phoenix Society, and the accounts against Wes will continue to be viewed and considered, I cannot keep my statements "among friends" anymore.

Dating Poly Girls- The Web Edition, Part I: The First Message

So I happen to be on OKCupid, most of the people I have dated since becoming polyamorous are also on the site, although I have met very few of them via OKC. There is hope though, because Wes was the first person I ever met through the site! He has been raising the bar for all future prospects ever since. I get anywhere from 60-100 visitors a week, which sounds good but by no means correlates to the quality of people I hear from. So here are some suggestions based on the experiences I’ve had, most of which will easily apply to monogamous pursuits as well. I will try to be as positive as possible, providing as many “Do’s” as possible rather than “Don’ts”.

First, remember what I said about dating being a competition? Well this is the written portion of the exam. If you don’t impress her with your profile, she won’t message you first and she won’t message you in return if you have a mediocre first message. Girls who are write the first message are not a myth, they exist, one writes this blog. Many of my first messages end up being “I know you’re probably interested in monogamy, but I wanted to say hello anyway because x, y, and z were really impressive on your profile”. Well, that’s the paraphrased version anyway.

Do state a few common interests. Granted, if she reads your profile she will see that you have common interests, but by bringing them up and elaborating on them she will know that you have read her profile. I worked in a restaurant for over a year, I did not believe my trainer when he informed us “People are lazy, they are don’t read the menu”, I very quickly learned the truth of his statement. If you make it clear that you have read all of a profile you already stand out against the dozens of messages from people who wrote to her because they saw a pretty face in the side bar.

This brings me to the next “Do” that relates to having read all of her profile and standing out.

Do be thorough. The art of communication should not die while textspeak lives on, and thrives.
Do write complete words with the best punctuation and grammar you are capable of, please see above comment about textspeak..
Do write more than one line, and do talk about more than just the weather or how her day was.
Do write personalized introductions, as opposed to copying the same message to multiple girls.

These issues have a lot in common, they indicate that you are paying attention, put thought and effort into what you say, and they give insight to what type of date you might be.
Being Thorough- If you say “I think we have a lot in common” or for example “Hi, I like steampunk too!” elaborate! Details about what common interests you have, and which ones are important to you, creates a bonding experience. Do you have rare issues of a comic book she says she likes to read? Or in my case, I love a variety of comics which means I only have a dozen or so of X-men, Superman, etc, if you collect a large quantity of what she reads tell her about it. Okay, you both like steampunk, she’ll want to know what you like about it and whether or not you’ve been to any steampunk events.
This not only helps you to be thorough, but will also help you to avoid one line messages. One line messages lack the content and substance necessary to get positive attention. Remember, she can’t hear your voice or catch the scent of your pheromones so you have to engage her in whichever way you are most confident. This is no time to be timid about “geeking out” on her, but don’t try to out-geek her either if she’s a geek (more on that later). So engage her sense of humor if you’re funny, appeal to her intellectual, philosophical, or imaginative sides. Although it was not in their first message, someone asked me what I would do with a time machine, I’m not sure if I had ever been asked before but I found myself giving not only a geeky answer, but also a much more profound answer than I expected. Yes, thorough messages take time to write, she might be busy so it will take some time for her to read it and write back, so use discretion as to whether one good paragraph feels like a good start to you or if you want to try taking root in a few different areas of interest to really show her how enthusiastic you are.

I would not go so far as to call myself a “grammar nazi”, but I do care about people putting thought and effort into what they say. I have no issues with lol or omg, but it actually gives me a headache and almost makes me cry when I read lazy English. “Dam gurl u r hawt” is really the worst I will offend you with, dear readers, one because I cannot bring myself to put anything worse on my blog, and two because I have deleted all messages that would have best exemplified my point. My point is, while a lazy writer is trying to save themselves time , they are in fact being inconsiderate of the reader’s time because of having to translate idiotese into English. What this comes down to is, if you don’t care how you say what you say to me, you have just made what you say unimportant.

Introduction messages being personalized becomes increasingly important when messaging polyamorous women, you need to take care not to go around sending two, or three, of them the same damned message. For reference, if you are on OkCupid and some guys says “how about something as basic as thinking you're cute, aside from the deep philosophical vibe, as a reason to contact you?” he apparently doesn’t customize his first message to people and is “very selective about who he messages and has strict criterion”. I know this because I called him on it when he also sent the same message to Gina, and later sent the same message to Angela- under a different username. This can backfire just as easily in poly groups as monogamous ones, girls talk.  No, you shouldn't have to convince every girl you message that they are some ridiculous romantic ideal of "a special and unique snowflake" or some similar nonsense, but being philosophical is not exactly a generic trait most women share for you to use it as a blanket introductory message.

Reading a profiles and match questions will provide useful information like the completely relevant 23% Match that you have in common and the equally important questions that will tell you why you are incompatible. Please do not ignore the multiple times that someone indicates that they are polyamorous or their mandatory questions that pertain to polyamory and open relationships. If a relationship with a deity is important to you, particularly of a religion that is of a patriarchal nature that believes in the Bible, there is a good chance you are not going to be compatible with a poly girl. And do not be surprised when she expects you to judge her for her hedonistic lifestyle based on this information. This is from an actual message I received “I got to tell you reading your profile it's a little intimidating but then I realize your a human being just like me with wants and dreams just like me...so with that being said you seem verry interesting and I was wondering if you accomadating to other people or do you do what you do?”  There are a lot of things wrong here, but I am going to deal with the issue of being...ahem...accommodating. So dealbreakers in my match questions deal with burning the flag, women being obligated to keep their legs shaved, caring about disappointing god, and poly-identifiers indicating comfort with maintaining an active OKC profile, being friends with an ex, staying overnight with a friend of the opposite sex, and open relationships. This person chose to ignore his own preferences as well as mine and wondered why I would jump to a crazy assumption as to why he would judge me? Don’t expect women with a low match percentage to be nice to you, don’t question why they seem hostile, I’ll tell you why, they feel disrespected because you are ignoring what is important them.

Don’t make comments about  a woman you are messaging having a long profile, there really isn’t much need to comment on it, especially if that is all you are going to say.
Do realize that by having a longer, more thorough profile she is trying to filter the number of people who contact her, she is interested in the people who are going to bother to pay attention because they are interested. By simply saying “wow, there are many words in your profile” or “that is a verbose profile you have there, I can’t read that many words” you are setting yourself up to be deleted, before or after she bangs her head on something because she is so frustrated. I will start with the latter statement, excuse me, you just used the word verbose and you’re complaining that my profile is long? As for the first statement, I looked at that guy’s profile and he apparently thinks a lethargic, almost apathetic, “I don’t really care” attitude is going to make a good impression on the ladies.  When I went to this person’s profile this is exactly what I found “Blah blah. General guy. Blah blah. Very sarcastic. Blah blah. No one reads this. Blah.” No, I didn’t translate that, I didn’t paraphrase, he said it! He is not exhibiting the wit required to be sarcastic, he is being a tool. There are two ways to be full of crap, one is because you are lying and the other is when you say something that lacks substance, it’s junk. Either way don’t be full of crap.

Don’t be full of crap, part two. 

Do take answering match questions seriously! When you message someone whose match questions are incompatible with yours, you are proving that you are lying about something. Those questions are saving you several conversations, because you don’t have to take the time to talk about them in person anymore. Those questions save you from having to tell a dozen girls that you are pro-choice, whether you like to talk about politics, and how you feel about body piercings, they are doing a lot of the work for you- if you answer honestly. Bullshitting your match questions means you have to watch your ass every time a woman asks you about them, because you have to keep up with the lie every time. If you write a message saying “I’m okay with you being poly” but your match questions said that you are not okay with open relationships, you are not okay dating someone who is seeing someone or married, not okay with your partner flirting in front of you, etc you are no longer trustworthy. I don’t know how many men I have criticized for this mistake, they often say that they “answered that a while ago and don’t feel that way any more” or that they “weren’t really thinking about how they answered”. Really? Because when I look at the unacceptable answer page, all of my answers are in red. This person has made the choice to mark other answers acceptable, or to not include a previously undesired set of candidates in his profile now that he “changed his mind”. No, I didn’t say that just because you’re hot and I wanted to fuck you. No that condom didn’t break.  No that duct tape isn’t for you. No that cloth doesn’t smell like chloroform. See how quickly that situation deteriorated? Trusting people you met on the internet is hard enough, take the time to be honest.

Don’t proposition her with your sexual interests, kinks, huge penis, etc in the first message.
Do take the time to introduce yourself, do be respectful of the fact that she is a human being and not a fantasy object, a prostitute, or a sex toy. She needs to trust you or she is not going to put herself in any kind of sexual situation with you. If you don’t care that the woman you’re messaging is a person, she can conclude that you will keep going when she is not comfortable, that you won’t care when she says no, and that you only care about your pleasure and how to get it. Keep that in mind later when we get to Part Two: The Date. If you must post a detailed description of your sexual fantasy on your profile, put it in your Journal, don’t put it on your About page six lines into your summary! I personally refuse to answer most questions about sex in my match questions because I don’t want 60-100 strangers a week to know how soon I will have sex with someone I like or how I achieve orgasms. Between sexual privacy and honesty you can keep your penis to yourself unless asked about it or are in an appropriate situation. By talking about the size of your penis in the first message you are already setting a woman up to not believe you, or you intend to use every inch of it- which can be horrifying to even the most sex positive women. Check those measurements, if you intend to use the full length of a nine inch penis on a 5’2 woman, you’d better be paying for the hospital because clearly you are trying to play tag with her lungs. Just because she doesn’t want to hear about it on the internet doesn’t mean she’s a prude or a virgin, it doesn't mean she's hoping you'll have a small penis, it just means if she wants you to thrust things at her she’ll probably say so.

Do Remember that not all attention is good attention and not all attention means someone is interested!

Join Me for the next few installments- Part II: Making a Connection, Part III: The Date, and Part IV: Is she having second thoughts?

Ice Cream Sundaes and All you can Eat Buffets OR How NOT to Date Poly Girls

Recently at a party, a newly proclaimed polyamorous person asked how this whole thing worked, we explained that dating in poly is similar to monogamous dating. Unfortunately, when you are developing your people skills or have not had constructive, positive dating experiences, or few dating experiences, things can go badly. You may find that you are making mistakes and quickly ruining the way a well-networked group gets an impression of you. These are my personal observations, peeves, and suggestions, actual results may vary.

Dating itself is much like constructing an ice cream sundae, poly dating just means certain ingredients are already included in your base flavor. In the case of real ice cream preferences, I like my sprinkles and Oreo cookies mixed in already because when you just put sprinkles on top of your sundae, it’s just an outside layer, you don’t get sprinkles in every taste of ice cream and the Oreos are too crunchy if they are not in the ice cream already, I only like chocolate every once in a while and when I want it I want a chocolate overload like Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I’m not sure if I’m digressing or if these preferences have some subconscious connection to my relationship preferences, in which case the chocolate should not be interpreted as an experience I have had. Maybe Wes & Gina represents Caramel ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and Zac & Angela are chocolate chip cookie dough, and maybe for once I would like to be the Oreo cookies already mixed into sweet cream vanilla, okay now I’m digressing. The point is, if you don’t know what you want before you get to the counter (i.e. approach someone you would like to date) the person is going to roll their eyes (maybe just in their minds) but smile patiently while you decide, and the people waiting in line will also roll their eyes and wait while you make up and change your mind.

Approaching an available group of poly people to date is still very similar to being in a group of monogamous people who are single, so if you don’t know how to approach someone you are interested in it is the same “square 1”. If you ask the group how to approach someone you'd like to date, and are met with confused facial expressions but helpful answers that apply to most dating situations, it is best to respond with specific feedback. Saying that you are “open to anything” (that is, anything in the relationship spectrum) translates to some as “I am open to screwing anyone”. I often joke about my partner who “is like a dog, he will hump anything that smells good”. This statement comes from a place of deep love actually, I have always been a dog person! But even dogs have some gauge of preference, and go as far as not being interested in some smells at all. I do not know many polyamorous women who are interested in casual sex, I know there are some who are, but the number of available women is not actually your biggest problem. 

The number of men is your problem. 

If I do a broad search on OKCupid for “guys who like girls” anywhere in the world, ages 22-35, the result will be approximately 300 who are looking for long-term, short term dating, casual sex. When you take away casual sex, you lose about 100 of those candidates, and you get down to about 150 when you limit your search to men who identify as “Straight”. If I pull that search in to a 500 mile radius, I have 50 guys left, which, I am amused to say, barely gets me outside of Pennsylvania if traveling west but gets me into Canada if I go North.
“So?” You may start to say “You’re not going to date a guy in Pittsburgh or Canada anyway, right?”
Right, 50 guys are not really in this race. But if you think this is not a competition, you are WRONG, if nothing else you are competing with yourself. 

If you walk into a business establishment with your pants below your ass wearing a t-shirt that says “It’s not rape if you yell ‘Surprise!’” and say “Hey, I need a ja” and hand over your application, you better have the neatest handwriting, the best education, and some fanfuckingtastic extracurriculars and skills to undo that first impression. And if a manager saw you, forget it. 

What’s that? 

You didn’t bother to highlight the good stuff? 

You just put your bitch in a buzzsaw. Dating is the same competition, it doesn’t matter if you are only up against five more applicants or if you are the only applicant, any confident woman who knows what she wants and has a sense of self-worth is not going to want to play with you.

When in room of available poly women, especially those who are in relationships already, announcing yourself as available to them will not draw them to you like an all you can eat buffet. Being special goes both ways, they want to feel special, that you are interested in them for some specific reason even if you are interested in other women as well. As for you being special, when you have a “Hello, Ladies, I’m here!” announcement, what you are actually doing is marketing yourself  as “a generic brand”, don’t misunderstand, this is not about “designer labeling”  by any means. What we want to know is, are you a quality person who fills specific needs, or have you neutralized yourself to be mediocre in a broad range of things? People are not “one size fits all”. 

You want to be yourself, but it has to be your best self.
People are people, single, available, committed relationship; heterosexual, flexible, homosexual; male, trans, female; you are always being rated for how attractive you are! Wes has worked very hard to get into the shape he is in now, one of his greatest frustrations is that our society has programmed us to think we are “terrible people” if we tell someone “I’m not attracted to you” because the same programming translates that direct, honest, factual statement to mean “You are ugly... you won’t be attractive to anyone...ever”. Attraction is not about being “fair” because that is how attraction is, what is “fair” is when that person asks “why” you have the intestinal fortitude and the respect to tell them why, and to do so without being an asshole. The people you are marketing to might be looking even if they don’t realize it, be on your best behavior around the people you are attracted to because they will remember how attractive you are when they find themselves available. 

I will also point out that complaining that “Nice guys finish last” or “Girls only date assholes” is not productive, if you are resenting being a nice guy and mandating that girls “should” want to date you for being “a nice guy” you are falling into the gap of those statements- you think you’re a nice guy, but you sound like an asshole.
What can you learn from these two extremes?
Being nice doesn’t make you good. Stop aligning yourself as the “nice guy” prototype and be “good boyfriend/partner” material. Don’t be “nice”; be respectful, considerate, caring, and honest. Don’t be an asshole; be confident, be honest, don’t be clingy, and know/state what you want. The characteristics you’re used to thinking of that correspond to the “Don’t be an asshole” list are “evil twin” traits, you think assholes are: 
cocky and arrogant = confident; 
mean and  inconsiderate = honest; 
aloof, unavailable, and distant = not being clingy; 
aggressive and selfish = knowing what you want. 
. . .
Think about that next time you jump to conclusions about what cloth you were cut from.

Really, approaching poly women is the same as approaching anyone you are interested in having any type of interpersonal interaction with, whether it is to be an acquaintance or a lifelong friend, a one night stand or a lifetime partner. Most people want to be treated with respect, as equals, and talked to like people, with the exception of people who are on the submissive side of the BDSM community, but even then there is a level of trust that must be obtained, otherwise you are specifically trying to target danger fetishists. Unless you have a social disorder, it’s not hard to identify how to interact with new people on a “broad scale”. There is a lot of media about “stereotypical” geeks, nerds, dorks etc who “don’t know how to talk to women” this is a fallacy because the accurate description is that they do not have specialized training in how to socialize with women. “Geeks” who have friends have all the skills they need to talk to women; you both want to be spoken to and treated with respect, you both want to present yourselves a certain way (smart, funny, sexy, etc), somewhere along the line you have something in common! Whatever “image” you are trying to portray has potential to backfire (remember the nice guy vs. asshole discussion), if you’re making the effort to exhibit your intelligence you risk sounding like you’re talking down to someone; trying to be cool, or funny, can lead to an unintentionally embarrassing or offensive statement; asserting sexual confidence labels you a slut or desperate. 
This comes back to the “generic brand” I mentioned earlier, don’t confuse neutralizing your skills to be well rounded as making you more diverse or more versatile, it may make you a tool but it does not make you a Swiss Army Knife.

If you have just decided to become/realized you are polyamorous, you still want to take it slow. If you just met an entire group of poly women you are attracted to, you don’t cannonball into the dating pool by trying to date all of them at once. This is important, for many reasons! Start by looking at your friendships and previous intimate relationships, how do you rate your communication skills with these people? How well have you managed your time with them? If the scene you’re looking at isn’t pretty, you may not want to start dating more than one girl at a time. Imagine if you will having a nightmare in which you are seeing four poly women, all of whom are in other very successful relationships, but for some reason every time you are alone with one of them, trying to make a good impression, or even maybe get one or all of them into bed, all they have to say is “You’re an idiot”. They criticize the way you had to cancel on one to date another because you won’t use Google calendars, you made an inappropriate joke, you didn’t communicate what kind of relationship you wanted (because you didn’t know what you wanted) and now you're changing the scene on her. Everything you do is wrong... And they are not complaining about ANY of the other men they’re seeing. 

Wait, what happened to that nice, understanding, fun girl you met at karaoke? 

She’s not being a bitch, she is calling you out for being in over your head. Wake up, if you are dating more than one poly woman and you have not been in a good relationship before, this is the reality you might face because you didn’t screen your dating skills with someone first.

People often do not realize the struggle society presents to women to get along. We are shown bickering, nagging, catty examples all our lives leading us to hate other women, while also being shown the Virgin Mary and Princess Diana as role models of nurturing, caring, and graciousness. So when a group of poly women are together talking about having a sleepover, to suggest that you would like to crash their party is not an option. You are violating a time they are specifically taking to bond and be friends for a reason beyond their male partners. And perhaps, they would like to talk about something other than men for a change. I cannot stress enough how inappropriate it is to inquire about crashing the party, when you are not only not dating anyone in the group yet, but also new to the group as a social whole. No means no means no! If you are lightly asking as a joke, you are already on the verge of being “that guy” but don’t be “that guy” by continuing to press the issue with loopholes because you are trying to be cute, it is unattractively desperate sounding and creepy. As a woman who loves being “one of the guys” I find it profoundly irritating that common sense would not occur to a man to know when he is about to hang himself with his own rope being an ass to an entire group of women he is “open to dating”.

A final note about “marketing” yourself, some of these incidents happen because of personality altering substances like drugs or alcohol. If you’re not fully integrated with a social group it is best to be alert, coherent, and remember what you said lest you sound like an irresponsible jerk who doesn’t know when he’s had enough. Women are sometimes shamed into moderation at times because drinking “makes them flirty” and they might “lead someone on” or send mixed signals that “get them raped”. If a woman can’t remember the details of going to bed with someone they are at risk for STDs, pregnancy, stalkers, and the side effects of date rape drugs. Men, however, seem less concerned with experiencing these issues personally, so it’s not too much to ask that you stay clear-headed enough to remember what you said to a group of people who are going to remember what you said.

I would like to add that polyamorous “sundaes” are different from monogamous ones because when indulging in a poly sundae you can go for more scoops, but you should also know when you have had too many.

Birthday Parties & Daddy Issues

A few weeks ago I went to my little sister’s third birthday party. She is adorable, and I have the good fortune of not living in the same house, so not only is she always very happy to see me when I come over, but I also have the ability to leave when she is suddenly possessed. Anyway, the reason that I have a three year old sister, and an eight year old brother, is because my parents divorced when I was seven and my dad married my stepmom in 2001. My stepmom is about 40 now, so naturally when they got married she wanted kids of her own/their own. I grew up with two older brothers, I was the baby. When my parents separated, I pretty much gave up on younger siblings, especially since I was old enough to understand that my mom was not having any more kids. Fortunately, when my little brother was born, I was a senior in high school, and had grown out of wanting younger siblings to either pick on or bond with. So the timing was good, I would have all the perks of younger siblings with very few of the drawbacks. After all that rambling, the point of today’s blog is to some extent about the drawbacks. Or “what daddy issues have to do with being poly”.

When I was little, I was a daddy’s girl... I’ll give you a minute to get over the shock... 

Are you finished?
Okay.
So yes, my dad made it pretty easy, most kids liked him. He was the grown up who came into a room full of kids, got them all wound up and crazy, and left. You’ve seen Robin Williams in “Mrs. Doubtfire”? That was my dad. Often times this left my mom being the frustrated, perfectly reasonable adult who got stuck being the disciplinarian. My dad had a very active life outside of his family, my mom was more hands on, I must have been subconsciously aware of this when it was time to choose which parent I wanted to live with; dad was the fun one, but mom took care of me. Picking my mom was the right decision, we’re a lot alike, I probably know her better than anyone else does, and we understand each other. We even got along (most of the time) when I was in high school. I wasn’t as fortunate with my dad. I spent every other weekend with him, which ended up being better quality time than when he was living with us, but it ultimately led to him still not being in charge of a lot of parental responsibilities. For a few years he had to juggle what kind of activities would best suit my brother and I, I was always a little bit of a tomboy and pretty easy going, so a lot of the time things were geared toward my brother’s interests. 

There was an early disconnect in communication, my dad wasn’t getting the full experience of who I was and what I wanted. I now know that this is much of the company he keeps socially, people who like kids, but aren’t really paying attention. I’ve spent a lot of time telling my stepmom, her family, and their friends that “I don’t want to be an English teacher”. I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life in addition to wanting something “stable and secure”, writing is a non-oppressive passion for me, I didn’t want money to be a part of the equation for something I love so much. Being an English teacher was a form of death to me that none of the adults suggesting it could understand. The inability to communicate effectively with one another is undoubtedly the biggest problem I have with my dad, I can’t talk to him without getting upset and he gets angry at signs of challenge. Wes often says that he loves my ability to confidently be myself, that it doesn’t even seem to occur to me to “be someone else”. The only person I lack this ability with is my own father. It is not that I am “not myself”, but rather that I am not “all of myself”.

A new friend(His name is Dave) was asking me about “coming out poly” and how my parents received the news. My mom, true to form, was fabulous! Like I said, she knows exactly who I am even when I’m not like her or we disagree. She even got Wes & Gina a wedding present and a humorous and impressively poly-friendly wedding card. But when Dave asked me, I found myself pouring my heart out about my relationship with my father. I said “My dad and I don't see eye to eye; I know who he is, but no matter how hard I try to put the truest elements of myself in front of him, he doesn't see me. I have been conflictedly on the fence about how to tell him I am polyamorous. I decided yesterday that I am going to stop dropping "and Gina" every time I tell a story with Wes in it because it's almost always a "Wes & Gina" story or statement...The decision is difficult because on the one hand I am true to myself, neglecting to mention the poly details of my life takes a lot of effort, I want him to listen, to see me, to actually know who his daughter is. I question whether I want to share this with him when he doesn't deserve it, if he can't see the other things I like about myself, why would this be any different? … I have very young siblings, I take into account the risks that he, or my stepmom, won't want me to influence them with my lifestyle.”

My concern is very similar to what GBLT individuals face, the fear of rejection and abandonment, to be cast out from the flock that we hope will love and accept us. I think I was fourteen when my grandmother called me “the black sheep of the family, just like…” she referred to some relative I’ve never met but it didn’t seem insulting. Dan Savage’s usual advice is to “give ‘family’ time to adjust and get comfortable with the idea, that it may be a shock at first but not necessarily an insurmountable shock, that people who want you around will learn to deal with it and people who are closed-minded and can’t overcome their own issues can fuck themselves and you don’t need them in your life”. As much as I would like to be be able to take a dose of FuckItAll when it comes to family matters, I am not that resilient to criticism. Without younger siblings, being “disowned” would result in my family taking sides about what I get invited to. With younger siblings, being disowned means not getting to be there for people who I love, who are not old enough to make the decision for themselves and will get a biased response when they ask about me. This would involve trying to send them cards and presents without it being a “problem” and them wondering where I’ve been for 10-15 years until they turn 18.

My little brother is at the age where he is asking “Is it wrong for two guys to want to marry each other?” I don’t think he has processed that he has seen me kiss a girl on stage, but I don’t think I can trust my dad and my stepmom to answer questions about me being poly and I don’t think they would trust me to explain it to him. At the moment, my dad thinks I am “playing the field” even though he knows I’m moving in with Wes, although he may start to catch on when Gina’s name frequents my stories more often. And maybe I’ll be brave one day and really lay it all out on the table for him, but in the meantime I was very glad to go to Zac & Angela’s potluck later in the day where I could be with the family I chose and be myself. The potluck was awesome, and misunderstandings about polyamory led to my next post. 

Updated Poly Diagram!
For those of you trying to keep up.

So join me next time for “Ice Cream Sundaes and All You Can Eat Buffets OR How NOT to Date Poly Girls”.


Also, I have a new Poly Diagram for you!

Polyamory and Corsets OR My Saturday

 On Saturday we went to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire AND Dorian's Parlor! As always, both events were awesome!

Much to everyone's surprise, we actually got out of the house 15 minutes after our intended departure time, this is amazing because I am always late, and was running on very little sleep. We picked up my mom at the Globe and journeyed forth to Lancaster to enjoy the Queen's medieval festivities. Mom and I love the Loony & Ploppy Show so we saw that first, even though we couldn't really see from where we sat. We also saw three of the Rakish Rogues, Sultry Sirens of Sin, Rogue & Siren shows, all of which were hilarious! Giant turkey legs and hot cider were consumed. I got a lot of compliments on my costume (I wasn't green on Saturday), and Mom spotted a little girl in a witch outfit staring at me. It was a nice moment of reversal, when I was little I loved Ren Faire and wanted  to one day have a costume other people noticed. On Saturday, I was the witch a little girl wanted to be when she grew up. I almost won a place on the jury for the Trial and Dunk but we think the screaming match was "planted" because they ended up dunking the girl who won against me. We made fun of the final joust constantly as it gets more and more ridiculous over the years.

Photo by Hugh Casey

We made the long drive back to the Globe to drop off Mom, and got changed for Dorian's Parlor. October Dorian's is my other "anniversary" with Wes, because that is where we met for the first time in person. We actually met online on a popular dating site, it's amazingly accurate in telling you which weirdos, geeks, and perverts you are compatible with.
The picture on the side bar is the girl Wes met last Dorian's, I think it's safe to say what he saw is what he got. I wore the wings and the shoes again this year, but have since gotten a few new costume pieces, I'll add a picture from this year when Hugh Casey uploads them. It was an interesting "turn over" I suppose, Zac & Angela (previously known as Boyfriend Z & Girlfriend A) were there and we had a better time for it! The person cut out of the picture is my ex, who I was heavily involved with last year when I met Wes, but really it was falling apart more than I could have known at the time. He was there on Saturday with his girlfriend, and to some extent being poly changes the way you play with your exes. People talk about polyamory being a somewhat "incestuous" community, so even when you have an especially agonizing breakup it is highly likely you will still have lots of common social ties with your ex. I consider being a poly female as a more difficult challenge in civility than being monogamous, female socialization in general makes girls hate other girls, so much so that we can barely compliment someone's attire without wondering if there is an insult just below the surface. That's not who I am, so even though the ex's girlfriend was actually detrimental to the breakup (hell, it's safe to say we almost certainly loathe each other), I liked her dress and said so to her face. Awkward pleasantries aside, it was a wonderful event!

Our future sponsors for Busts and Trunks Burlesque were vending, so naturally I was extremely excited to see them! The fashion show was in latex, so I was not particularly interested in the clothes themselves, but liked the patterns for use in other fabrics, and was glad to see one of my favorite models there. Favorite is an understatement, she and her twin sister are two of the most beautiful people I have ever seen anywhere. I am talking about movies, TV, magazines, anywhere. So if you want to see me fall all over myself trying to talk to someone, get them to show up at an event. I met them while modeling corsets for Mayfaire Moon at Dorian's last I suppose this is a good time to get to the title theme of the post.

I think I have had a love of corsets from a young age. I grew up exposed to fabulous costumes in the media- Labyrinth, Legend, The NeverEnding Story series, Shirley Temple movies, Interview with a Vampire; but by the time I saw Ever After and Sleepy Hollow I had been attending PA Ren Faire for a few years. PA Ren Faire was my gateway event for many of the things I love now. Costuming, conventions, Shakespeare, D&D, roleplaying in general, but most of all corsets. Today, while responding to my inbox on OKCupid, I had a message from someone asking about the connection. He Said "I was talking to a person the other day who told me there was a lot of overlap between the steampunk and poly crowds in Philly, and that she "didn't know why, but it probably has something to do with corsets". That made me laugh, but do you have a more reasonable explanation?" It made me laugh too, but I had not thought about it before, the "easy" answer sort of comes down to the fact that most geeky events (Ren Faires, Comic Cons, Steampunk) have higher draws for alternative sexual preferences because they appeal to people who are already participating in alternative lifestyles. Wes had it right when I posed the question to Gina, "I think we have Gil to thank for that." "How do you mean" I ask. "Because Dorian's Parlor is like the Island of Misfit Toys."


Athletes, cheerleaders, prom/beauty queens, and whatever else "normal people" do puts them in a position to live mainstream lifestyles- monogamous trophy spouse, 2.5 kids, bachelor parties at strip clubs, football parties on Sunday (yeah, we do that too at the Playhouse), book clubs, Sunday school, soccer moms. Golf vests, khakis, blazers, high heels to go shopping. These "mainstream types" are still very nice, they care about being well rounded, their kids are well rounded, sometimes they're philanthropic humanitarians, they work in soup kitchens and join Boy/Girl Scouts (I was a member for 16 years!), but they live their lives in the center of the "American Dream" sometimes not having a clue what alternative lifestyles or the people living them look like. The alternative? Ren Faires; comic books; Sci-Fi; atheism, paganism, wicca; karaoke at gay bars with Fairies and Drag Queens; D&D; Steampunk; Burlesque, Doms/Subs, dominatrices, polyamorists, pansexuals, GBLT. We wear leather trench coats, corsets, combat boots, top hats, and have rainbow hair, tattoos, and piercings. These alternative groups, when we live in mainstream ones, are not pointed out to us with the instructions "go play" when we are children, so I have no idea how everyone found each other before the great and terrible INTERNET! I guess the options were at Ren Faires, conventions, comic book stores, the school basement, chess club, maybe we even put up flyers?

This was the answer I gave him (the OKC person), trying to be less vague than the broad assessment of social grouping rather than the personality type that would be drawn to corsets. "Hmm, poly and corsets? I can confidently say that the majority of poly women I know love corsets, but I don't know what the connection is actually. I might speculate two unrelated theories about it though. One being that many of the poly women I know are very comfortable with their bodies and their sexuality, for them corsets are not about contorting/forcing their bodies into an unnatural shape, but rather enhancing assets they are proud of. In the right corset, or a well made properly laced corset, women feel fabulously sexy- their posture is improved, there is a sort of kinetic motion that causes a higher rate of hip swaying while walking, proper bust support, and an audience of people giving you very positive feedback. The second possibility, that I am not as familiar with and therefore am guessing, is the submissive side of women in poly. I know very few women who are subs, it is more that I "know of" them and know people who are close to them as the dom in those relationships. This "sub" mentality may draw them to a corset because their partner is attracted to it; it may be a mutual turn on while lacing, or removing, that the dom is in total control of the garment; and also the idea of submitting to the garment itself."

Dorian's Parlor October 2011
Photo by Hugh Casey

People, usually women, ask all the time "Is that actually comfortable, I mean really, honestly?" when they see me wearing a corset. "Yes" I tell them, I would not want to waitress or care for children in a corset, but they are not keeping me from plenty of other damn fun things I like to do, if anything a corset helps.

Family Time Our Big Playhouse

For the past few weeks Wes, Gina, and I have proposed "Family Time", a night for the three of us to hang out, everyone sleeps at home that night. When I first started spending most of my time at the house, most nights were similar to our current "Family Night", Gina and I have gotten along with each other very well from the start so there was not a lot of "Jessie's coming over = Gina should not be here" happening, also Wes and Gina were not really dating anyone else at the time to cause big discussions about who would be spending time with who. If it was okay for me to sleep over, then sleeping over was what I'd be doing. Wes and Gina eventually started seeing people, people that Wes wanted to stay over (which interestingly enough led to Gina sleeping at my house sometimes) or Gina would want to go to her date's place. This system was relatively uncomplicated and easy to maintain with minimal communication among the three of us.

Somewhere around July there was a Big Bang of sorts! Wes was getting closer to Girlfriend G, who you will now know as Ginny; and Gina was starting to date Boyfriend S, who is Shaun. I suppose the communication became more necessary because I was not dating anyone at the time and wanted to know "who's sleeping in my bed?"

Eventually it got to a point when Gina had not seen Wes and I for a few days and we all realized we missed each other! Imagine, three people who see each other almost every day actually missing each other! I know we are soo weird! It's like we actually like each other or something! It's true, this phenomenon is , to some extent, actually what led Gina to decide she wanted me to move into what I refer to as the Bard's Playhouse, as opposed to my mom's house which is the Globe. One day Gina had to stop at home during her lunch, she was  very happy to find me sitting contently (probably with the dog) on the couch with my computer. She liked that moment, that feeling so much she decided to talk to Wes about deciding to "add a wonderful person to an already fabulous household" making their "little suburban house... a little bit bigger." Yes, those are direct quotes from Gina. In fact you can find the exact statement here on Gina's blog The Martinelli Variety Hour- My Big House . Many of our poly friends have really enjoyed that post, in addition to Wes' & Gina's family reading it and have been using it to better understand that we are all really happy together and that no one is being taken advantage of.

So on July 25 Gina and Wes took me to the Pop Shop and we indulged in a ridiculous meal (I got an ice cream soda with sprite, strawberry ice cream, and a forgotten flavor of syrup). As I recall, I had only recently had an anxiety attack brought on by jealousy (a personal problem in very irrational moments) and thought Wes & Gina were giving me a little TLC by treating me to dinner. They admitted their ulterior motives and asked me to move in, a few days later I said "Yes!" And there was much rejoicing! Huzzah! But I was talking about Family Night...

So yes, we all liked having each other around! But with relationships growing we were not seeing each other as often, thus leading to Family Night. On October 3, we had our first family night, we ate steak and watched Muppets Take Manhattan! We all have the entertainment requirements of children, you wish you were so lucky! Family Night part II was October 12, we watched Repo! The Genetic Opera which Wes and Gina had never seen before and they enjoyed it. Friday, October 21 was our third Family Night. We made masks for Halloween while watching Nightmare Before Christmas and The Addams Family, I can't tell you what the masks were for until after Boyfriend Z's (Zac) & Girlfriend A's (Angela) Halloween party because it's a surprise! Being silly natured, I skipped around the house singing "Kidnap the Santy Claws" and copying a lot of lines from the movies every time I got up from the table.

Family time is not about a mandatory night to spend quality time together, Wes and Gina actually have an agreement between them to take each other for granted, what it is about is taking time to appreciate the people we love. We are all really entertained by each other and laugh our asses off when we're together. And we all agree that we are always having a much better time with all three of us present than if one was not in attendance, even on Wes & Gina's honeymoon! I don't have a conventional sense of family, my nuclear family relationships are stressful depending on the relative, but the family in Our Big Playhouse is the family we chose for ourselves. This family likes sitting down for dinner together, watching movies, and making sure none of us sleeps alone, and sometimes we do our own things but Family Night is when we remember  that we are three of a kind, birds of a feather, now and (maybe) forever! La la la lalala...

And I think to myself "What a wonderful world"...

So today was the one year anniversary of my first date with Wes.
Wes is my partner in the couple that asked me to move in them, Gina is his wife and my very good friend!
By the way, when I post at 3am on Friday morning and say "today", what I really mean is "Thursday" because I haven't gone to bed yet.

Those are the top three things you needed to know to enjoy this post. I guess, I'm not going to assume or assign what people need to enjoy anything really.

Today was awesome! I am constantly reminded of what a charmed life I live. I met Wes in Center City to celebrate our Anniversary, we went to Little Pete's where we had our first date. We had a nice dinner, we each got specials which meant that our meals came with soup, salad, and dessert, and our check was only around $30 including a root beer float, a chocolate milk, a cup of coffee, and a cup of tea. Now's a good time to mention the extreme dichotomy of my taste. I am both extremely easy to please and have high standards for details. I love a greasy cheesesteak from a truck but I also love a really good steak. I own a lot of cheap jewelry that kids would wear but fall all over myself for Tiffany & Co's diamonds. The point is, a $30 meal for two makes me really happy, whereas going to Ruth Chris' and paying $40 for a steak with no sides included will induce an anxiety attack (yes, that sort of happened. A tale for another day). If you're wondering what two people who have seen each other almost every day for the past year have to talk about, we were bouncing around ideas for burlesque shows.

Then we moved on to the Good Dog Bar, still sticking to the 'first date' guideline. The Good Dog Bar will always have a special place in my heart because on our first date, Wes kissed me there for the first time. Kissing in the middle of the date, rather than the end when you're saying good-bye, was an experiment Wes was trying out from a web comic. The results of that experiment were positive, first he managed to flatter me into silence, no easy feat as I never shut up! He proceeds to get up, approach me, and deliver a fantastic first kiss.
I cannot fully express how important good kissing is to me, and after managing a relationship involving insufficient kissing, I have sworn to never be anything but "good and kissed" ever again. Bonus points for you if you get the reference.

Anyway, after this wonderful kiss, Wes sits back down, grinning at me in the wonderful way that he still does, and I consider it quite safe to say he enjoyed himself. And marvel of marvels, I was still speechless! And trying to hide the fact that I was blushing in my red hooded sweatshirt that I wear constantly from October through May. Today had the added benefit of teaching me that not only does Wes love me, but to some extent loves that sweatshirt too, because after not seeing it the whole summer he said he "missed it" because he saw it so often when he started dating me. I'll have to tell you some other time about that sweatshirt, the story doesn't belong in this entry, and I'm only saying "I'll tell you about it later" so I'll remember to tell you, not because I get some sort of entertainment from making you wait. Moving on.

Tonight, as we do most Thursday nights, we went to karaoke and a wonderful time was had by all. Gina is a very talented singer who is made all the more entertaining by the group of friends who choose to be her back-up singers/dancers while she sings Total Eclipse of the Heart. The married couple that Wes and I are seeing have also started joining us at karaoke, as well as another engaged couple that Wes and Gina are seeing (I carry a chart around with me to illustrate for newcomers). I suppose that until I have permission to use people's names, they will be listed as Boyfriend/Girlfriend  + Letter. For example, if I were being private I would be Girlfriend J. The groupings consist of the married couple Girlfriend A & Boyfriend Z, and engaged couple Girlfriend G & Boyfriend S. Let's see if I'm smart enough to put a chart into my blog, probably not.

A former coworker was present at the bar tonight, she knows that I am with Wes, that he and Gina are married, and that we are polyamorous. This information does not keep her brain intact when she sees me kiss Boyfriend Z, but patience is crucial in this scenario, she is from a small town, not from the USA, and is old fashioned about this kind of thing. I am relieved to say that my friend's discomfort about the situation is the only setback for the whole evening.

Boyfriend S introduced us to a friend of his who is new to the Poly scene. Wes and Gina have been embassadoring for Poly so much since they met me, I have not done much myself. So I was glad to sit and have a really satisfying conversation with him about how the group, and being polyamorous, functions. He said it was kind of amazing to see it all working right in front of him, for it to be alive in the real world rather than being explained in a book. That's the magic of it all, the colors of this fantasy are brighter and the flavor of it is sweeter in reality. We're all there, having a great time, getting to be exactly who and what we are, without anyone pulling the wings off the fairies or crying out "Witch! Witch! Burn her!" That's why it's a charmed life, this is the second bar we've brought the group to, and nobody says a word about what we're doing. No one whispers and stares or makes us feel unwelcome. Overall, this community we've been building for ourselves. it's a nice big gingerbread house to live in. Hopefully, we'll see more of Boyfriend S's friend; hopefully everyone will keep bringing their friends, because that is how we'll make it a wonderful world for people living alternative lifestyles, by being seen.