Birthday Parties & Daddy Issues

A few weeks ago I went to my little sister’s third birthday party. She is adorable, and I have the good fortune of not living in the same house, so not only is she always very happy to see me when I come over, but I also have the ability to leave when she is suddenly possessed. Anyway, the reason that I have a three year old sister, and an eight year old brother, is because my parents divorced when I was seven and my dad married my stepmom in 2001. My stepmom is about 40 now, so naturally when they got married she wanted kids of her own/their own. I grew up with two older brothers, I was the baby. When my parents separated, I pretty much gave up on younger siblings, especially since I was old enough to understand that my mom was not having any more kids. Fortunately, when my little brother was born, I was a senior in high school, and had grown out of wanting younger siblings to either pick on or bond with. So the timing was good, I would have all the perks of younger siblings with very few of the drawbacks. After all that rambling, the point of today’s blog is to some extent about the drawbacks. Or “what daddy issues have to do with being poly”.

When I was little, I was a daddy’s girl... I’ll give you a minute to get over the shock... 

Are you finished?
Okay.
So yes, my dad made it pretty easy, most kids liked him. He was the grown up who came into a room full of kids, got them all wound up and crazy, and left. You’ve seen Robin Williams in “Mrs. Doubtfire”? That was my dad. Often times this left my mom being the frustrated, perfectly reasonable adult who got stuck being the disciplinarian. My dad had a very active life outside of his family, my mom was more hands on, I must have been subconsciously aware of this when it was time to choose which parent I wanted to live with; dad was the fun one, but mom took care of me. Picking my mom was the right decision, we’re a lot alike, I probably know her better than anyone else does, and we understand each other. We even got along (most of the time) when I was in high school. I wasn’t as fortunate with my dad. I spent every other weekend with him, which ended up being better quality time than when he was living with us, but it ultimately led to him still not being in charge of a lot of parental responsibilities. For a few years he had to juggle what kind of activities would best suit my brother and I, I was always a little bit of a tomboy and pretty easy going, so a lot of the time things were geared toward my brother’s interests. 

There was an early disconnect in communication, my dad wasn’t getting the full experience of who I was and what I wanted. I now know that this is much of the company he keeps socially, people who like kids, but aren’t really paying attention. I’ve spent a lot of time telling my stepmom, her family, and their friends that “I don’t want to be an English teacher”. I’ve wanted to be a writer my whole life in addition to wanting something “stable and secure”, writing is a non-oppressive passion for me, I didn’t want money to be a part of the equation for something I love so much. Being an English teacher was a form of death to me that none of the adults suggesting it could understand. The inability to communicate effectively with one another is undoubtedly the biggest problem I have with my dad, I can’t talk to him without getting upset and he gets angry at signs of challenge. Wes often says that he loves my ability to confidently be myself, that it doesn’t even seem to occur to me to “be someone else”. The only person I lack this ability with is my own father. It is not that I am “not myself”, but rather that I am not “all of myself”.

A new friend(His name is Dave) was asking me about “coming out poly” and how my parents received the news. My mom, true to form, was fabulous! Like I said, she knows exactly who I am even when I’m not like her or we disagree. She even got Wes & Gina a wedding present and a humorous and impressively poly-friendly wedding card. But when Dave asked me, I found myself pouring my heart out about my relationship with my father. I said “My dad and I don't see eye to eye; I know who he is, but no matter how hard I try to put the truest elements of myself in front of him, he doesn't see me. I have been conflictedly on the fence about how to tell him I am polyamorous. I decided yesterday that I am going to stop dropping "and Gina" every time I tell a story with Wes in it because it's almost always a "Wes & Gina" story or statement...The decision is difficult because on the one hand I am true to myself, neglecting to mention the poly details of my life takes a lot of effort, I want him to listen, to see me, to actually know who his daughter is. I question whether I want to share this with him when he doesn't deserve it, if he can't see the other things I like about myself, why would this be any different? … I have very young siblings, I take into account the risks that he, or my stepmom, won't want me to influence them with my lifestyle.”

My concern is very similar to what GBLT individuals face, the fear of rejection and abandonment, to be cast out from the flock that we hope will love and accept us. I think I was fourteen when my grandmother called me “the black sheep of the family, just like…” she referred to some relative I’ve never met but it didn’t seem insulting. Dan Savage’s usual advice is to “give ‘family’ time to adjust and get comfortable with the idea, that it may be a shock at first but not necessarily an insurmountable shock, that people who want you around will learn to deal with it and people who are closed-minded and can’t overcome their own issues can fuck themselves and you don’t need them in your life”. As much as I would like to be be able to take a dose of FuckItAll when it comes to family matters, I am not that resilient to criticism. Without younger siblings, being “disowned” would result in my family taking sides about what I get invited to. With younger siblings, being disowned means not getting to be there for people who I love, who are not old enough to make the decision for themselves and will get a biased response when they ask about me. This would involve trying to send them cards and presents without it being a “problem” and them wondering where I’ve been for 10-15 years until they turn 18.

My little brother is at the age where he is asking “Is it wrong for two guys to want to marry each other?” I don’t think he has processed that he has seen me kiss a girl on stage, but I don’t think I can trust my dad and my stepmom to answer questions about me being poly and I don’t think they would trust me to explain it to him. At the moment, my dad thinks I am “playing the field” even though he knows I’m moving in with Wes, although he may start to catch on when Gina’s name frequents my stories more often. And maybe I’ll be brave one day and really lay it all out on the table for him, but in the meantime I was very glad to go to Zac & Angela’s potluck later in the day where I could be with the family I chose and be myself. The potluck was awesome, and misunderstandings about polyamory led to my next post. 

Updated Poly Diagram!
For those of you trying to keep up.

So join me next time for “Ice Cream Sundaes and All You Can Eat Buffets OR How NOT to Date Poly Girls”.


Also, I have a new Poly Diagram for you!