So I happen to be on OKCupid, most of the people I have dated since becoming polyamorous are also on the site, although I have met very few of them via OKC. There is hope though, because Wes was the first person I ever met through the site! He has been raising the bar for all future prospects ever since. I get anywhere from 60-100 visitors a week, which sounds good but by no means correlates to the quality of people I hear from. So here are some suggestions based on the experiences I’ve had, most of which will easily apply to monogamous pursuits as well. I will try to be as positive as possible, providing as many “Do’s” as possible rather than “Don’ts”.
First, remember what I said about dating being a competition? Well this is the written portion of the exam. If you don’t impress her with your profile, she won’t message you first and she won’t message you in return if you have a mediocre first message. Girls who are write the first message are not a myth, they exist, one writes this blog. Many of my first messages end up being “I know you’re probably interested in monogamy, but I wanted to say hello anyway because x, y, and z were really impressive on your profile”. Well, that’s the paraphrased version anyway.
Do state a few common interests. Granted, if she reads your profile she will see that you have common interests, but by bringing them up and elaborating on them she will know that you have read her profile. I worked in a restaurant for over a year, I did not believe my trainer when he informed us “People are lazy, they are don’t read the menu”, I very quickly learned the truth of his statement. If you make it clear that you have read all of a profile you already stand out against the dozens of messages from people who wrote to her because they saw a pretty face in the side bar.
This brings me to the next “Do” that relates to having read all of her profile and standing out.
Do be thorough. The art of communication should not die while textspeak lives on, and thrives.
Do write complete words with the best punctuation and grammar you are capable of, please see above comment about textspeak..
Do write more than one line, and do talk about more than just the weather or how her day was.
Do write personalized introductions, as opposed to copying the same message to multiple girls.
These issues have a lot in common, they indicate that you are paying attention, put thought and effort into what you say, and they give insight to what type of date you might be.
Being Thorough- If you say “I think we have a lot in common” or for example “Hi, I like steampunk too!” elaborate! Details about what common interests you have, and which ones are important to you, creates a bonding experience. Do you have rare issues of a comic book she says she likes to read? Or in my case, I love a variety of comics which means I only have a dozen or so of X-men, Superman, etc, if you collect a large quantity of what she reads tell her about it. Okay, you both like steampunk, she’ll want to know what you like about it and whether or not you’ve been to any steampunk events.
This not only helps you to be thorough, but will also help you to avoid one line messages. One line messages lack the content and substance necessary to get positive attention. Remember, she can’t hear your voice or catch the scent of your pheromones so you have to engage her in whichever way you are most confident. This is no time to be timid about “geeking out” on her, but don’t try to out-geek her either if she’s a geek (more on that later). So engage her sense of humor if you’re funny, appeal to her intellectual, philosophical, or imaginative sides. Although it was not in their first message, someone asked me what I would do with a time machine, I’m not sure if I had ever been asked before but I found myself giving not only a geeky answer, but also a much more profound answer than I expected. Yes, thorough messages take time to write, she might be busy so it will take some time for her to read it and write back, so use discretion as to whether one good paragraph feels like a good start to you or if you want to try taking root in a few different areas of interest to really show her how enthusiastic you are.
I would not go so far as to call myself a “grammar nazi”, but I do care about people putting thought and effort into what they say. I have no issues with lol or omg, but it actually gives me a headache and almost makes me cry when I read lazy English. “Dam gurl u r hawt” is really the worst I will offend you with, dear readers, one because I cannot bring myself to put anything worse on my blog, and two because I have deleted all messages that would have best exemplified my point. My point is, while a lazy writer is trying to save themselves time , they are in fact being inconsiderate of the reader’s time because of having to translate idiotese into English. What this comes down to is, if you don’t care how you say what you say to me, you have just made what you say unimportant.
Introduction messages being personalized becomes increasingly important when messaging polyamorous women, you need to take care not to go around sending two, or three, of them the same damned message. For reference, if you are on OkCupid and some guys says “how about something as basic as thinking you're cute, aside from the deep philosophical vibe, as a reason to contact you?” he apparently doesn’t customize his first message to people and is “very selective about who he messages and has strict criterion”. I know this because I called him on it when he also sent the same message to Gina, and later sent the same message to Angela- under a different username. This can backfire just as easily in poly groups as monogamous ones, girls talk. No, you shouldn't have to convince every girl you message that they are some ridiculous romantic ideal of "a special and unique snowflake" or some similar nonsense, but being philosophical is not exactly a generic trait most women share for you to use it as a blanket introductory message.
Reading a profiles and match questions will provide useful information like the completely relevant 23% Match that you have in common and the equally important questions that will tell you why you are incompatible. Please do not ignore the multiple times that someone indicates that they are polyamorous or their mandatory questions that pertain to polyamory and open relationships. If a relationship with a deity is important to you, particularly of a religion that is of a patriarchal nature that believes in the Bible, there is a good chance you are not going to be compatible with a poly girl. And do not be surprised when she expects you to judge her for her hedonistic lifestyle based on this information. This is from an actual message I received “I got to tell you reading your profile it's a little intimidating but then I realize your a human being just like me with wants and dreams just like me...so with that being said you seem verry interesting and I was wondering if you accomadating to other people or do you do what you do?” There are a lot of things wrong here, but I am going to deal with the issue of being...ahem...accommodating. So dealbreakers in my match questions deal with burning the flag, women being obligated to keep their legs shaved, caring about disappointing god, and poly-identifiers indicating comfort with maintaining an active OKC profile, being friends with an ex, staying overnight with a friend of the opposite sex, and open relationships. This person chose to ignore his own preferences as well as mine and wondered why I would jump to a crazy assumption as to why he would judge me? Don’t expect women with a low match percentage to be nice to you, don’t question why they seem hostile, I’ll tell you why, they feel disrespected because you are ignoring what is important them.
Don’t make comments about a woman you are messaging having a long profile, there really isn’t much need to comment on it, especially if that is all you are going to say.
Do realize that by having a longer, more thorough profile she is trying to filter the number of people who contact her, she is interested in the people who are going to bother to pay attention because they are interested. By simply saying “wow, there are many words in your profile” or “that is a verbose profile you have there, I can’t read that many words” you are setting yourself up to be deleted, before or after she bangs her head on something because she is so frustrated. I will start with the latter statement, excuse me, you just used the word verbose and you’re complaining that my profile is long? As for the first statement, I looked at that guy’s profile and he apparently thinks a lethargic, almost apathetic, “I don’t really care” attitude is going to make a good impression on the ladies. When I went to this person’s profile this is exactly what I found “Blah blah. General guy. Blah blah. Very sarcastic. Blah blah. No one reads this. Blah.” No, I didn’t translate that, I didn’t paraphrase, he said it! He is not exhibiting the wit required to be sarcastic, he is being a tool. There are two ways to be full of crap, one is because you are lying and the other is when you say something that lacks substance, it’s junk. Either way don’t be full of crap.
Don’t be full of crap, part two.
First, remember what I said about dating being a competition? Well this is the written portion of the exam. If you don’t impress her with your profile, she won’t message you first and she won’t message you in return if you have a mediocre first message. Girls who are write the first message are not a myth, they exist, one writes this blog. Many of my first messages end up being “I know you’re probably interested in monogamy, but I wanted to say hello anyway because x, y, and z were really impressive on your profile”. Well, that’s the paraphrased version anyway.
Do state a few common interests. Granted, if she reads your profile she will see that you have common interests, but by bringing them up and elaborating on them she will know that you have read her profile. I worked in a restaurant for over a year, I did not believe my trainer when he informed us “People are lazy, they are don’t read the menu”, I very quickly learned the truth of his statement. If you make it clear that you have read all of a profile you already stand out against the dozens of messages from people who wrote to her because they saw a pretty face in the side bar.
This brings me to the next “Do” that relates to having read all of her profile and standing out.
Do be thorough. The art of communication should not die while textspeak lives on, and thrives.
Do write complete words with the best punctuation and grammar you are capable of, please see above comment about textspeak..
Do write more than one line, and do talk about more than just the weather or how her day was.
Do write personalized introductions, as opposed to copying the same message to multiple girls.
These issues have a lot in common, they indicate that you are paying attention, put thought and effort into what you say, and they give insight to what type of date you might be.
Being Thorough- If you say “I think we have a lot in common” or for example “Hi, I like steampunk too!” elaborate! Details about what common interests you have, and which ones are important to you, creates a bonding experience. Do you have rare issues of a comic book she says she likes to read? Or in my case, I love a variety of comics which means I only have a dozen or so of X-men, Superman, etc, if you collect a large quantity of what she reads tell her about it. Okay, you both like steampunk, she’ll want to know what you like about it and whether or not you’ve been to any steampunk events.
This not only helps you to be thorough, but will also help you to avoid one line messages. One line messages lack the content and substance necessary to get positive attention. Remember, she can’t hear your voice or catch the scent of your pheromones so you have to engage her in whichever way you are most confident. This is no time to be timid about “geeking out” on her, but don’t try to out-geek her either if she’s a geek (more on that later). So engage her sense of humor if you’re funny, appeal to her intellectual, philosophical, or imaginative sides. Although it was not in their first message, someone asked me what I would do with a time machine, I’m not sure if I had ever been asked before but I found myself giving not only a geeky answer, but also a much more profound answer than I expected. Yes, thorough messages take time to write, she might be busy so it will take some time for her to read it and write back, so use discretion as to whether one good paragraph feels like a good start to you or if you want to try taking root in a few different areas of interest to really show her how enthusiastic you are.
I would not go so far as to call myself a “grammar nazi”, but I do care about people putting thought and effort into what they say. I have no issues with lol or omg, but it actually gives me a headache and almost makes me cry when I read lazy English. “Dam gurl u r hawt” is really the worst I will offend you with, dear readers, one because I cannot bring myself to put anything worse on my blog, and two because I have deleted all messages that would have best exemplified my point. My point is, while a lazy writer is trying to save themselves time , they are in fact being inconsiderate of the reader’s time because of having to translate idiotese into English. What this comes down to is, if you don’t care how you say what you say to me, you have just made what you say unimportant.
Introduction messages being personalized becomes increasingly important when messaging polyamorous women, you need to take care not to go around sending two, or three, of them the same damned message. For reference, if you are on OkCupid and some guys says “how about something as basic as thinking you're cute, aside from the deep philosophical vibe, as a reason to contact you?” he apparently doesn’t customize his first message to people and is “very selective about who he messages and has strict criterion”. I know this because I called him on it when he also sent the same message to Gina, and later sent the same message to Angela- under a different username. This can backfire just as easily in poly groups as monogamous ones, girls talk. No, you shouldn't have to convince every girl you message that they are some ridiculous romantic ideal of "a special and unique snowflake" or some similar nonsense, but being philosophical is not exactly a generic trait most women share for you to use it as a blanket introductory message.
Reading a profiles and match questions will provide useful information like the completely relevant 23% Match that you have in common and the equally important questions that will tell you why you are incompatible. Please do not ignore the multiple times that someone indicates that they are polyamorous or their mandatory questions that pertain to polyamory and open relationships. If a relationship with a deity is important to you, particularly of a religion that is of a patriarchal nature that believes in the Bible, there is a good chance you are not going to be compatible with a poly girl. And do not be surprised when she expects you to judge her for her hedonistic lifestyle based on this information. This is from an actual message I received “I got to tell you reading your profile it's a little intimidating but then I realize your a human being just like me with wants and dreams just like me...so with that being said you seem verry interesting and I was wondering if you accomadating to other people or do you do what you do?” There are a lot of things wrong here, but I am going to deal with the issue of being...ahem...accommodating. So dealbreakers in my match questions deal with burning the flag, women being obligated to keep their legs shaved, caring about disappointing god, and poly-identifiers indicating comfort with maintaining an active OKC profile, being friends with an ex, staying overnight with a friend of the opposite sex, and open relationships. This person chose to ignore his own preferences as well as mine and wondered why I would jump to a crazy assumption as to why he would judge me? Don’t expect women with a low match percentage to be nice to you, don’t question why they seem hostile, I’ll tell you why, they feel disrespected because you are ignoring what is important them.
Don’t make comments about a woman you are messaging having a long profile, there really isn’t much need to comment on it, especially if that is all you are going to say.
Do realize that by having a longer, more thorough profile she is trying to filter the number of people who contact her, she is interested in the people who are going to bother to pay attention because they are interested. By simply saying “wow, there are many words in your profile” or “that is a verbose profile you have there, I can’t read that many words” you are setting yourself up to be deleted, before or after she bangs her head on something because she is so frustrated. I will start with the latter statement, excuse me, you just used the word verbose and you’re complaining that my profile is long? As for the first statement, I looked at that guy’s profile and he apparently thinks a lethargic, almost apathetic, “I don’t really care” attitude is going to make a good impression on the ladies. When I went to this person’s profile this is exactly what I found “Blah blah. General guy. Blah blah. Very sarcastic. Blah blah. No one reads this. Blah.” No, I didn’t translate that, I didn’t paraphrase, he said it! He is not exhibiting the wit required to be sarcastic, he is being a tool. There are two ways to be full of crap, one is because you are lying and the other is when you say something that lacks substance, it’s junk. Either way don’t be full of crap.
Don’t be full of crap, part two.
Do take answering match questions seriously! When you message someone whose match questions are incompatible with yours, you are proving that you are lying about something. Those questions are saving you several conversations, because you don’t have to take the time to talk about them in person anymore. Those questions save you from having to tell a dozen girls that you are pro-choice, whether you like to talk about politics, and how you feel about body piercings, they are doing a lot of the work for you- if you answer honestly. Bullshitting your match questions means you have to watch your ass every time a woman asks you about them, because you have to keep up with the lie every time. If you write a message saying “I’m okay with you being poly” but your match questions said that you are not okay with open relationships, you are not okay dating someone who is seeing someone or married, not okay with your partner flirting in front of you, etc you are no longer trustworthy. I don’t know how many men I have criticized for this mistake, they often say that they “answered that a while ago and don’t feel that way any more” or that they “weren’t really thinking about how they answered”. Really? Because when I look at the unacceptable answer page, all of my answers are in red. This person has made the choice to mark other answers acceptable, or to not include a previously undesired set of candidates in his profile now that he “changed his mind”. No, I didn’t say that just because you’re hot and I wanted to fuck you. No that condom didn’t break. No that duct tape isn’t for you. No that cloth doesn’t smell like chloroform. See how quickly that situation deteriorated? Trusting people you met on the internet is hard enough, take the time to be honest.
Don’t proposition her with your sexual interests, kinks, huge penis, etc in the first message.
Do take the time to introduce yourself, do be respectful of the fact that she is a human being and not a fantasy object, a prostitute, or a sex toy. She needs to trust you or she is not going to put herself in any kind of sexual situation with you. If you don’t care that the woman you’re messaging is a person, she can conclude that you will keep going when she is not comfortable, that you won’t care when she says no, and that you only care about your pleasure and how to get it. Keep that in mind later when we get to Part Two: The Date. If you must post a detailed description of your sexual fantasy on your profile, put it in your Journal, don’t put it on your About page six lines into your summary! I personally refuse to answer most questions about sex in my match questions because I don’t want 60-100 strangers a week to know how soon I will have sex with someone I like or how I achieve orgasms. Between sexual privacy and honesty you can keep your penis to yourself unless asked about it or are in an appropriate situation. By talking about the size of your penis in the first message you are already setting a woman up to not believe you, or you intend to use every inch of it- which can be horrifying to even the most sex positive women. Check those measurements, if you intend to use the full length of a nine inch penis on a 5’2 woman, you’d better be paying for the hospital because clearly you are trying to play tag with her lungs. Just because she doesn’t want to hear about it on the internet doesn’t mean she’s a prude or a virgin, it doesn't mean she's hoping you'll have a small penis, it just means if she wants you to thrust things at her she’ll probably say so.
Don’t proposition her with your sexual interests, kinks, huge penis, etc in the first message.
Do take the time to introduce yourself, do be respectful of the fact that she is a human being and not a fantasy object, a prostitute, or a sex toy. She needs to trust you or she is not going to put herself in any kind of sexual situation with you. If you don’t care that the woman you’re messaging is a person, she can conclude that you will keep going when she is not comfortable, that you won’t care when she says no, and that you only care about your pleasure and how to get it. Keep that in mind later when we get to Part Two: The Date. If you must post a detailed description of your sexual fantasy on your profile, put it in your Journal, don’t put it on your About page six lines into your summary! I personally refuse to answer most questions about sex in my match questions because I don’t want 60-100 strangers a week to know how soon I will have sex with someone I like or how I achieve orgasms. Between sexual privacy and honesty you can keep your penis to yourself unless asked about it or are in an appropriate situation. By talking about the size of your penis in the first message you are already setting a woman up to not believe you, or you intend to use every inch of it- which can be horrifying to even the most sex positive women. Check those measurements, if you intend to use the full length of a nine inch penis on a 5’2 woman, you’d better be paying for the hospital because clearly you are trying to play tag with her lungs. Just because she doesn’t want to hear about it on the internet doesn’t mean she’s a prude or a virgin, it doesn't mean she's hoping you'll have a small penis, it just means if she wants you to thrust things at her she’ll probably say so.
Do Remember that not all attention is good attention and not all attention means someone is interested!
Join Me for the next few installments- Part II: Making a Connection, Part III: The Date, and Part IV: Is she having second thoughts?
I'm not much of a Poly Pocket Fan. But I love to go on dates. I asked a girl out to the Christmas Dance at Bingham High School. And she said yes. I'm excited to go to the Christmas dance next weekend.
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