Recently at a party, a newly proclaimed polyamorous person asked how this whole thing worked, we explained that dating in poly is similar to monogamous dating. Unfortunately, when you are developing your people skills or have not had constructive, positive dating experiences, or few dating experiences, things can go badly. You may find that you are making mistakes and quickly ruining the way a well-networked group gets an impression of you. These are my personal observations, peeves, and suggestions, actual results may vary.
Dating itself is much like constructing an ice cream sundae, poly dating just means certain ingredients are already included in your base flavor. In the case of real ice cream preferences, I like my sprinkles and Oreo cookies mixed in already because when you just put sprinkles on top of your sundae, it’s just an outside layer, you don’t get sprinkles in every taste of ice cream and the Oreos are too crunchy if they are not in the ice cream already, I only like chocolate every once in a while and when I want it I want a chocolate overload like Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I’m not sure if I’m digressing or if these preferences have some subconscious connection to my relationship preferences, in which case the chocolate should not be interpreted as an experience I have had. Maybe Wes & Gina represents Caramel ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and Zac & Angela are chocolate chip cookie dough, and maybe for once I would like to be the Oreo cookies already mixed into sweet cream vanilla, okay now I’m digressing. The point is, if you don’t know what you want before you get to the counter (i.e. approach someone you would like to date) the person is going to roll their eyes (maybe just in their minds) but smile patiently while you decide, and the people waiting in line will also roll their eyes and wait while you make up and change your mind.
Approaching an available group of poly people to date is still very similar to being in a group of monogamous people who are single, so if you don’t know how to approach someone you are interested in it is the same “square 1”. If you ask the group how to approach someone you'd like to date, and are met with confused facial expressions but helpful answers that apply to most dating situations, it is best to respond with specific feedback. Saying that you are “open to anything” (that is, anything in the relationship spectrum) translates to some as “I am open to screwing anyone”. I often joke about my partner who “is like a dog, he will hump anything that smells good”. This statement comes from a place of deep love actually, I have always been a dog person! But even dogs have some gauge of preference, and go as far as not being interested in some smells at all. I do not know many polyamorous women who are interested in casual sex, I know there are some who are, but the number of available women is not actually your biggest problem.
Dating itself is much like constructing an ice cream sundae, poly dating just means certain ingredients are already included in your base flavor. In the case of real ice cream preferences, I like my sprinkles and Oreo cookies mixed in already because when you just put sprinkles on top of your sundae, it’s just an outside layer, you don’t get sprinkles in every taste of ice cream and the Oreos are too crunchy if they are not in the ice cream already, I only like chocolate every once in a while and when I want it I want a chocolate overload like Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie. I’m not sure if I’m digressing or if these preferences have some subconscious connection to my relationship preferences, in which case the chocolate should not be interpreted as an experience I have had. Maybe Wes & Gina represents Caramel ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and Zac & Angela are chocolate chip cookie dough, and maybe for once I would like to be the Oreo cookies already mixed into sweet cream vanilla, okay now I’m digressing. The point is, if you don’t know what you want before you get to the counter (i.e. approach someone you would like to date) the person is going to roll their eyes (maybe just in their minds) but smile patiently while you decide, and the people waiting in line will also roll their eyes and wait while you make up and change your mind.
Approaching an available group of poly people to date is still very similar to being in a group of monogamous people who are single, so if you don’t know how to approach someone you are interested in it is the same “square 1”. If you ask the group how to approach someone you'd like to date, and are met with confused facial expressions but helpful answers that apply to most dating situations, it is best to respond with specific feedback. Saying that you are “open to anything” (that is, anything in the relationship spectrum) translates to some as “I am open to screwing anyone”. I often joke about my partner who “is like a dog, he will hump anything that smells good”. This statement comes from a place of deep love actually, I have always been a dog person! But even dogs have some gauge of preference, and go as far as not being interested in some smells at all. I do not know many polyamorous women who are interested in casual sex, I know there are some who are, but the number of available women is not actually your biggest problem.
The number of men is your problem.
If I do a broad search on OKCupid for “guys who like girls” anywhere in the world, ages 22-35, the result will be approximately 300 who are looking for long-term, short term dating, casual sex. When you take away casual sex, you lose about 100 of those candidates, and you get down to about 150 when you limit your search to men who identify as “Straight”. If I pull that search in to a 500 mile radius, I have 50 guys left, which, I am amused to say, barely gets me outside of Pennsylvania if traveling west but gets me into Canada if I go North.
“So?” You may start to say “You’re not going to date a guy in Pittsburgh or Canada anyway, right?”
Right, 50 guys are not really in this race. But if you think this is not a competition, you are WRONG, if nothing else you are competing with yourself.
“So?” You may start to say “You’re not going to date a guy in Pittsburgh or Canada anyway, right?”
Right, 50 guys are not really in this race. But if you think this is not a competition, you are WRONG, if nothing else you are competing with yourself.
If you walk into a business establishment with your pants below your ass wearing a t-shirt that says “It’s not rape if you yell ‘Surprise!’” and say “Hey, I need a ja” and hand over your application, you better have the neatest handwriting, the best education, and some fanfuckingtastic extracurriculars and skills to undo that first impression. And if a manager saw you, forget it.
What’s that?
You didn’t bother to highlight the good stuff?
You just put your bitch in a buzzsaw. Dating is the same competition, it doesn’t matter if you are only up against five more applicants or if you are the only applicant, any confident woman who knows what she wants and has a sense of self-worth is not going to want to play with you.
When in room of available poly women, especially those who are in relationships already, announcing yourself as available to them will not draw them to you like an all you can eat buffet. Being special goes both ways, they want to feel special, that you are interested in them for some specific reason even if you are interested in other women as well. As for you being special, when you have a “Hello, Ladies, I’m here!” announcement, what you are actually doing is marketing yourself as “a generic brand”, don’t misunderstand, this is not about “designer labeling” by any means. What we want to know is, are you a quality person who fills specific needs, or have you neutralized yourself to be mediocre in a broad range of things? People are not “one size fits all”.
When in room of available poly women, especially those who are in relationships already, announcing yourself as available to them will not draw them to you like an all you can eat buffet. Being special goes both ways, they want to feel special, that you are interested in them for some specific reason even if you are interested in other women as well. As for you being special, when you have a “Hello, Ladies, I’m here!” announcement, what you are actually doing is marketing yourself as “a generic brand”, don’t misunderstand, this is not about “designer labeling” by any means. What we want to know is, are you a quality person who fills specific needs, or have you neutralized yourself to be mediocre in a broad range of things? People are not “one size fits all”.
You want to be yourself, but it has to be your best self.
People are people, single, available, committed relationship; heterosexual, flexible, homosexual; male, trans, female; you are always being rated for how attractive you are! Wes has worked very hard to get into the shape he is in now, one of his greatest frustrations is that our society has programmed us to think we are “terrible people” if we tell someone “I’m not attracted to you” because the same programming translates that direct, honest, factual statement to mean “You are ugly... you won’t be attractive to anyone...ever”. Attraction is not about being “fair” because that is how attraction is, what is “fair” is when that person asks “why” you have the intestinal fortitude and the respect to tell them why, and to do so without being an asshole. The people you are marketing to might be looking even if they don’t realize it, be on your best behavior around the people you are attracted to because they will remember how attractive you are when they find themselves available.
I will also point out that complaining that “Nice guys finish last” or “Girls only date assholes” is not productive, if you are resenting being a nice guy and mandating that girls “should” want to date you for being “a nice guy” you are falling into the gap of those statements- you think you’re a nice guy, but you sound like an asshole.
What can you learn from these two extremes?
Being nice doesn’t make you good. Stop aligning yourself as the “nice guy” prototype and be “good boyfriend/partner” material. Don’t be “nice”; be respectful, considerate, caring, and honest. Don’t be an asshole; be confident, be honest, don’t be clingy, and know/state what you want. The characteristics you’re used to thinking of that correspond to the “Don’t be an asshole” list are “evil twin” traits, you think assholes are:
cocky and arrogant = confident;
mean and inconsiderate = honest;
aloof, unavailable, and distant = not being clingy;
aggressive and selfish = knowing what you want.
. . .
Think about that next time you jump to conclusions about what cloth you were cut from.
Really, approaching poly women is the same as approaching anyone you are interested in having any type of interpersonal interaction with, whether it is to be an acquaintance or a lifelong friend, a one night stand or a lifetime partner. Most people want to be treated with respect, as equals, and talked to like people, with the exception of people who are on the submissive side of the BDSM community, but even then there is a level of trust that must be obtained, otherwise you are specifically trying to target danger fetishists. Unless you have a social disorder, it’s not hard to identify how to interact with new people on a “broad scale”. There is a lot of media about “stereotypical” geeks, nerds, dorks etc who “don’t know how to talk to women” this is a fallacy because the accurate description is that they do not have specialized training in how to socialize with women. “Geeks” who have friends have all the skills they need to talk to women; you both want to be spoken to and treated with respect, you both want to present yourselves a certain way (smart, funny, sexy, etc), somewhere along the line you have something in common! Whatever “image” you are trying to portray has potential to backfire (remember the nice guy vs. asshole discussion), if you’re making the effort to exhibit your intelligence you risk sounding like you’re talking down to someone; trying to be cool, or funny, can lead to an unintentionally embarrassing or offensive statement; asserting sexual confidence labels you a slut or desperate.
This comes back to the “generic brand” I mentioned earlier, don’t confuse neutralizing your skills to be well rounded as making you more diverse or more versatile, it may make you a tool but it does not make you a Swiss Army Knife.
If you have just decided to become/realized you are polyamorous, you still want to take it slow. If you just met an entire group of poly women you are attracted to, you don’t cannonball into the dating pool by trying to date all of them at once. This is important, for many reasons! Start by looking at your friendships and previous intimate relationships, how do you rate your communication skills with these people? How well have you managed your time with them? If the scene you’re looking at isn’t pretty, you may not want to start dating more than one girl at a time. Imagine if you will having a nightmare in which you are seeing four poly women, all of whom are in other very successful relationships, but for some reason every time you are alone with one of them, trying to make a good impression, or even maybe get one or all of them into bed, all they have to say is “You’re an idiot”. They criticize the way you had to cancel on one to date another because you won’t use Google calendars, you made an inappropriate joke, you didn’t communicate what kind of relationship you wanted (because you didn’t know what you wanted) and now you're changing the scene on her. Everything you do is wrong... And they are not complaining about ANY of the other men they’re seeing.
What can you learn from these two extremes?
Being nice doesn’t make you good. Stop aligning yourself as the “nice guy” prototype and be “good boyfriend/partner” material. Don’t be “nice”; be respectful, considerate, caring, and honest. Don’t be an asshole; be confident, be honest, don’t be clingy, and know/state what you want. The characteristics you’re used to thinking of that correspond to the “Don’t be an asshole” list are “evil twin” traits, you think assholes are:
cocky and arrogant = confident;
mean and inconsiderate = honest;
aloof, unavailable, and distant = not being clingy;
aggressive and selfish = knowing what you want.
. . .
Think about that next time you jump to conclusions about what cloth you were cut from.
Really, approaching poly women is the same as approaching anyone you are interested in having any type of interpersonal interaction with, whether it is to be an acquaintance or a lifelong friend, a one night stand or a lifetime partner. Most people want to be treated with respect, as equals, and talked to like people, with the exception of people who are on the submissive side of the BDSM community, but even then there is a level of trust that must be obtained, otherwise you are specifically trying to target danger fetishists. Unless you have a social disorder, it’s not hard to identify how to interact with new people on a “broad scale”. There is a lot of media about “stereotypical” geeks, nerds, dorks etc who “don’t know how to talk to women” this is a fallacy because the accurate description is that they do not have specialized training in how to socialize with women. “Geeks” who have friends have all the skills they need to talk to women; you both want to be spoken to and treated with respect, you both want to present yourselves a certain way (smart, funny, sexy, etc), somewhere along the line you have something in common! Whatever “image” you are trying to portray has potential to backfire (remember the nice guy vs. asshole discussion), if you’re making the effort to exhibit your intelligence you risk sounding like you’re talking down to someone; trying to be cool, or funny, can lead to an unintentionally embarrassing or offensive statement; asserting sexual confidence labels you a slut or desperate.
This comes back to the “generic brand” I mentioned earlier, don’t confuse neutralizing your skills to be well rounded as making you more diverse or more versatile, it may make you a tool but it does not make you a Swiss Army Knife.
If you have just decided to become/realized you are polyamorous, you still want to take it slow. If you just met an entire group of poly women you are attracted to, you don’t cannonball into the dating pool by trying to date all of them at once. This is important, for many reasons! Start by looking at your friendships and previous intimate relationships, how do you rate your communication skills with these people? How well have you managed your time with them? If the scene you’re looking at isn’t pretty, you may not want to start dating more than one girl at a time. Imagine if you will having a nightmare in which you are seeing four poly women, all of whom are in other very successful relationships, but for some reason every time you are alone with one of them, trying to make a good impression, or even maybe get one or all of them into bed, all they have to say is “You’re an idiot”. They criticize the way you had to cancel on one to date another because you won’t use Google calendars, you made an inappropriate joke, you didn’t communicate what kind of relationship you wanted (because you didn’t know what you wanted) and now you're changing the scene on her. Everything you do is wrong... And they are not complaining about ANY of the other men they’re seeing.
Wait, what happened to that nice, understanding, fun girl you met at karaoke?
She’s not being a bitch, she is calling you out for being in over your head. Wake up, if you are dating more than one poly woman and you have not been in a good relationship before, this is the reality you might face because you didn’t screen your dating skills with someone first.
People often do not realize the struggle society presents to women to get along. We are shown bickering, nagging, catty examples all our lives leading us to hate other women, while also being shown the Virgin Mary and Princess Diana as role models of nurturing, caring, and graciousness. So when a group of poly women are together talking about having a sleepover, to suggest that you would like to crash their party is not an option. You are violating a time they are specifically taking to bond and be friends for a reason beyond their male partners. And perhaps, they would like to talk about something other than men for a change. I cannot stress enough how inappropriate it is to inquire about crashing the party, when you are not only not dating anyone in the group yet, but also new to the group as a social whole. No means no means no! If you are lightly asking as a joke, you are already on the verge of being “that guy” but don’t be “that guy” by continuing to press the issue with loopholes because you are trying to be cute, it is unattractively desperate sounding and creepy. As a woman who loves being “one of the guys” I find it profoundly irritating that common sense would not occur to a man to know when he is about to hang himself with his own rope being an ass to an entire group of women he is “open to dating”.
A final note about “marketing” yourself, some of these incidents happen because of personality altering substances like drugs or alcohol. If you’re not fully integrated with a social group it is best to be alert, coherent, and remember what you said lest you sound like an irresponsible jerk who doesn’t know when he’s had enough. Women are sometimes shamed into moderation at times because drinking “makes them flirty” and they might “lead someone on” or send mixed signals that “get them raped”. If a woman can’t remember the details of going to bed with someone they are at risk for STDs, pregnancy, stalkers, and the side effects of date rape drugs. Men, however, seem less concerned with experiencing these issues personally, so it’s not too much to ask that you stay clear-headed enough to remember what you said to a group of people who are going to remember what you said.
I would like to add that polyamorous “sundaes” are different from monogamous ones because when indulging in a poly sundae you can go for more scoops, but you should also know when you have had too many.
People often do not realize the struggle society presents to women to get along. We are shown bickering, nagging, catty examples all our lives leading us to hate other women, while also being shown the Virgin Mary and Princess Diana as role models of nurturing, caring, and graciousness. So when a group of poly women are together talking about having a sleepover, to suggest that you would like to crash their party is not an option. You are violating a time they are specifically taking to bond and be friends for a reason beyond their male partners. And perhaps, they would like to talk about something other than men for a change. I cannot stress enough how inappropriate it is to inquire about crashing the party, when you are not only not dating anyone in the group yet, but also new to the group as a social whole. No means no means no! If you are lightly asking as a joke, you are already on the verge of being “that guy” but don’t be “that guy” by continuing to press the issue with loopholes because you are trying to be cute, it is unattractively desperate sounding and creepy. As a woman who loves being “one of the guys” I find it profoundly irritating that common sense would not occur to a man to know when he is about to hang himself with his own rope being an ass to an entire group of women he is “open to dating”.
A final note about “marketing” yourself, some of these incidents happen because of personality altering substances like drugs or alcohol. If you’re not fully integrated with a social group it is best to be alert, coherent, and remember what you said lest you sound like an irresponsible jerk who doesn’t know when he’s had enough. Women are sometimes shamed into moderation at times because drinking “makes them flirty” and they might “lead someone on” or send mixed signals that “get them raped”. If a woman can’t remember the details of going to bed with someone they are at risk for STDs, pregnancy, stalkers, and the side effects of date rape drugs. Men, however, seem less concerned with experiencing these issues personally, so it’s not too much to ask that you stay clear-headed enough to remember what you said to a group of people who are going to remember what you said.
I would like to add that polyamorous “sundaes” are different from monogamous ones because when indulging in a poly sundae you can go for more scoops, but you should also know when you have had too many.
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